I posted this on my other blog today, but feel that it also belongs here:
When Mikail was born with the ensuing drama that followed in the days and weeks and months, I held on really tightly to my faith believing that no matter what, we would be able to handle things and something good would come of all of this. Even though I am going to write what I write below, I always held on to some sort of faith and belief in God and all that is good, but there were some really, really dark days amidst that faith and belief.
Somewhere in the year that followed Mikail's birth, I started, not-knowingly, building a wall. A big giant brick wall with the toughest mortar known to man.The wall just kind of creeped up on me. I didn't fully realize this until we were visiting my brother-in-law and sister-in-law's church in Ontario this summer. The wonderful lady who was speaking that morning spoke on the Armor of God. This being the main gist of things:
10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18 And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. Ephesians 6:10-18
That morning I realized that I have thrown out the Armor of God this past year. I have been filled with fear (which clearly does not come from God) and have built this giant brick wall around my heart and soul to protect me from any future 'bad things' that might happen. I have dwelt on questions like: 'Why is this happening to US?' 'Hasn't enough bad stuff happened in our lives?' 'Why couldn't I just have a normal happy birth experience?' 'Why did our only wonderful doctor have to get sick and leave us with a bunch of lame ass doctors?' 'Why is it all a constant fight?' 'Why? Why? Why?' Those aren't healthy things to dwell on and have fester within you.
The ironic thing is that building that brick wall to protect myself has done more harm than good. I should have instead put on the full armor of God, and in my case, especially the belt of truth. This would have helped me from questioning myself as a mother when two doctors question everything about me and our son. The belt of truth would have immediately helped me see that there are a handful of other specialists who see how wonderful our little guy is doing instead of me dwelling on the negative attitude of two doctors who themselves have some issues to deal with.
So, as I was sitting in this little community center where this little group of the most genuine and kind people gathered, the tears started to flow and I let them. Miraculously Mikail slept in my arms throughout the whole thing. He is usually up and busy, busy, busy. I am not sure that I have truly 'heard' a full sermon or speaker since he was born. Then it came time for communion and the pastor was over to the side of the room ready to pray for anyone that felt led. I am sooo not one of those people that goes up for anything like that. It means I am the center of attention and I like to stay on the sidelines where it is safe. So it surprised me when I handed Mikail over to Jason and went up for communion and found myself walking over to the pastor. I broke down as I told her that I have come to realize today that I have thrown the Armor of God away and know that I need it. She opened a little glass bottle of oil and anointed my head, praying over me. It took me back 13 years when I had last been prayed over and anointed with oil--the day before my cancer surgery. I felt that same feeling of peace and calm and healing come over me. This time it was more my heart and soul and mind that needed healing and freeing from the guilt of me feeling that Mikail's stroke and brain damage was somehow my fault.
I felt that mountain top experience that I haven't felt in a very, very long time. I felt like I lost 100 lbs of guilt and shame. I felt like I was going to be okay. I once again had the Armor of God to protect me.
Of course this doesn't mean that I don't deal with those little demon thoughts that enter our minds. I am human, after all. It just means that I am now open and more equipped to turn to The Word and remind myself that I have the Armor of God to protect me against all these schemes of the 'evil one'.
I NEED God in ALL areas of my life. I can't do it on my own and although I know I will probably forget about all of this from time to time, I hope I remember that I have the Armor of God available to me, ready for the taking, so I hope that when those dark moments come (which they will), I will claim and cling onto the promises that are for all of us in His Word.